Shortly after Nora was born, I came across this quote, and I could hardly bear to read it.
Hormones, you see. Hormones, combined with the incredibly raw feeling of the greatest love I have ever felt in my entire life.
Those first few weeks (months?) were so incredibly hard. Not because I was trying to adjust to life with a new baby (even though I was), but because I had to get used to living with my heart outside of my body. I had to get used to the constant fear that I could ever lose this little being. It physically hurt. Just because I loved her that much.
Now, I am two years into this parenting thing, and don’t get me wrong—those feelings haven’t gone away—but I somehow learned to function again, despite the love and the fear being there every second of every day. I guess your heart adapts to a new way of life, and mine did.
But there are moments—pretty much every day— that come out of nowhere, when I am taken right back to the incredibly intense emotions of those first few weeks, when Nora and I were just getting to know each other on the outside.
Yesterday, as we trick-or-treated in my office, and then again in our neighborhood, I found myself having those moments. First of all, Nora was dressed like the cutest little bumblebee ever. On top of that, she was beside herself excited, and she actually got the whole trick-or-treating thing. She couldn’t (or wouldn’t) say “Trick or Treat,” but she was all about taking a piece of candy and adding it to her bucket. But even before that, when I first carried her into my office in the afternoon, I expected my crabby-with-no-nap girl to cling to me. To never say a word in front of anyone, since she’s so shy.
Instead, I saw a blossoming toddler run around freely, calling the names of two of her friends—”Nah-wee!” (Natalee!) “Ah-wa!” (Lara!). I watched her run from cubicle to cubicle to select a piece of candy, excitedly identifying the pieces by color. “Eh-yo! Booo! Ett.” (Yellow. Blue. Red.) And she said “Thank you” (sounds more like “eh-you”) to almost everyone. Smiled at them. And basically charmed the socks off of ’em.
I almost didn’t even recognize this girl. I was so proud.
Most days, Nora only allows Michael, Mary, and me to see who she really is. I’ve said to our families before, “I wish you could see how she is when we’re home, just us” because she always acts different—more reserved—with anyone but us.
Yesterday, her “Nora Grace” flag was flying loud and proud. That’s the little girl I know and love. And she shared herself with my family, my coworkers, and our neighbors.
She’s growing up so quickly. But the love I have for her will always feel just like it has from the very beginning. It makes me feel… full. Someday (a LONG time from now), I hope she will understand it—when she holds a baby of her own.
9 Responses to My Heart
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About
I'm Heather. I'm 33 and have been married to Michael for seven years. Together, we have two beautiful little girls we love more than anything, and a miniature dachshund who drives us crazy. I'm a full-time working mom who has very little time for my own "stuff" these days, like home improvement, cooking/baking, cake decorating, and photography. Despite the team not making the playoffs since 1999, I'm STILL a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think speaks to my loyalty AND sense of humor. I can't wait to pick up the pace with travel again some day... you know, when we're done being ruled by tiny fists. Welcome to my blog.
That was the cuetest video ever! Thanks for posting! I don’t get any trick or treaters since I live on third floor so that clip made my Halloween!
We never got any trick-or-treaters at our old place, so I know how you feel! I’m glad you enjoyed the video. :)
That was so sweet Heather. Nora is a very special girl, and so is her Momma :)
Awww, thanks, Megan. Same to you and Jane! Hope we get to visit again soon.
the video clip was endearing…I played Hunter saying “happy halloween”over and over…lol…Heather my baby is 24 and I still feel like my heart is on the outside…tears come to my eyes when I see what a beautiful,strong women she has become and to read you describe that feeling made me cry because you hit the nail on the head as far as what it feels like to be a “MOM”…bless you
Thanks, Elizabeth! I know all moms feel the same way. It’s wonderful to hear that you still have such a wonderful relationship with your daughter. I hope the same for Nora and me someday. :)
There is so much I wanted to say in regards to your recent posts so I will leave it all here :)
1. This post. This post describing the emotional and undying love for your child, it’s perfect. I too have had these same moments recently where I find that my breath is literally taken away by my love for her. For example, we were at breakfast 2weeks ago (at one of the restaraunts on Disney property, we live in FL) and my now 2year old Kira wanted to get up and dance in the parade with all the characters, with all these other people/children we’ve never met & she turned, reached to me & said “Mama, come dance with me.” It took everything I had not to just break down in the middle of that parade. (my emotions are also running slightly higher as I am 7months pregnant with Kira’s little sister but nonetheless these moments happened even before our newest miracle.)
2. Where would I live in the world? Well my husband & I are also from NY (Westchester); we decided to up and move to Orlando 4yrs ago for nothing more than “change.” We said we’d give it a shot & when we were ready to settle down we’d revisit moving back home. Nonetheless a lot happened in a whirlwind & we never stopped. It’s been fun, we’ve had our challenges but have grown so much- as individuals & a couple. However in a mere 24days we’ll be hitting the road for a 2day drive back to NY to settle down at “home.” So as for me, I don’t think I could ever live away from “home” for too long. We’re very close with our families and nothing truly beats some of the moments & relationships that happen there.
Thanks Heather!
Tara
Tara, thanks! Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of another little one, and good luck with the big move “home”!
Thank you! It’s all so terrifying & exciting at the same time, haha.