Recently, I’ve seen comments on Facebook birth announcements that many people might just pass right over:
“Congratulations! Now you have the perfect family.”
“He’s beautiful! You’re done now, right? You have the perfect family!”
Let’s back up for a second. In case you’re wondering:
perfect family
[pur-fikt fam-uh-lee]noun
1. a family consisting of two parents (must be a man and a woman, mind you) and two children—one of whom is a boy, and one of whom is a girl.
I’m fully aware that I might be in the minority here; maybe I’m too sensitive. But what the eff is this crap? As a society, what are we saying here? I want to be like, Oh, it’s just an old-fashioned idea from say, the 1950s, that has stuck with some people. Let it slide. But then my soul screams, BUT WHY WAS THIS EVER ACCEPTABLE THINKING?!
The people who say these things don’t mean any harm. The intentions are good, of course, and I’m sure they haven’t even stopped to think about what they’re really saying. But now that I’m a happy, fulfilled, proud mother of TWO girls (and probably done)? These comments get on my last nerve.
I mean, shit. With the above standard definition, there sure are a lot of screwed up, imperfect families out there. You have an only child? He or she must be so lonely. Two boys? Those poor parents. Two girls? But don’t you want to try for a boy? You have stepchildren? Well, they’re not really YOURS, you know. You have 3, 4, 5+ kids? What are you? Mormon? Irish Catholic? Just crazy? Two moms or two dads? OHMYGOD.
Apparently, for those of us with any family configuration other than the “perfect” one mom, one dad, one girl, one boy… SCIENCE HAS FAILED US, y’all.
It’s funny, though, because I look at my husband and my daughters and I feel lucky. Blessed. And every other family should be confident in feeling this way, too. Why are we made to feel like our families are “incomplete” because of what society believes is “perfect”?
After Vivienne was born, we started getting the questions almost immediately. Admittedly not a ton, but several peppered here and there—”Will you have a third? To try for a boy?” And to Michael in particular, they ask, “Don’t you want a boy?” as if a dad isn’t a dad unless he has a boy. And as if it’s a given that the third would even be a boy!!
Again, I say… what.the.eff.
I’m of the mindset that “trying for a boy” or “trying for a girl” is not a good reason to add a person to your family. I think it’s fine (and natural!) for some people to have a preference about what they’re having, or to hope for one or the other, but are you really going to let chance dictate your family planning? And why put that kind of pressure on yourself and/or your unborn baby? What happens if you have another girl? Or another boy? My mom once had a friend who kept having babies because she wanted a girl so badly. She ended up with eight boys. EIGHT CHILDREN, simply to keep trying. I don’t think she originally set out to have that many—in fact, I know she didn’t—but she was so desperate for a girl, they kept going back for more. In these instances, I believe it’s not about trying to achieve perfection, but trying to give ourselves the opportunity to experience a certain type of relationship (e.g. mother/daughter, father/son, etc.) that we otherwise would not have. But you know what? None of those things are ever guaranteed, even if you do end up with the “perfect family.”
For those of you out there with one boy and one girl—I’m not saying you aren’t actually perfect. You’re wonderful. But maybe you’re actually NOT, because you plan to add another baby to your family. *gasp* Imagine that. Don’t you worry… the decision about when you’re “perfect” is in your hands. Only yours.
All of our families are perfect. Perfectly imperfect, actually, because realistically, I know we all have our challenges. But if you’re happy, your children are happy, everyone loves each other and is doing their best to live life, surviving the daily grind… your family is perfect. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Can we please agree that there is more than one definition of a “perfect family”? Expand your horizons, open your eyes, and look around the world. That “one boy and one girl” thing is bullshit. So let’s stop saying it. Stop perpetuating it every time someone gives birth to a boy after a girl. Or a girl after a boy. Think about what you’re really saying.
We have two girls. If we do by some chance opt to have a third baby some day, we’ve already discussed how we wouldn’t have a preference. Another girl? Awesome. Truly. Another sister to add to the bunch. A boy? Wonderful. We’ll have a brother in the mix.
Embrace the imperfection. I think you’ll find it’s perfect.
20 Responses to The “Perfect” Family
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About
I'm Heather. I'm 33 and have been married to Michael for seven years. Together, we have two beautiful little girls we love more than anything, and a miniature dachshund who drives us crazy. I'm a full-time working mom who has very little time for my own "stuff" these days, like home improvement, cooking/baking, cake decorating, and photography. Despite the team not making the playoffs since 1999, I'm STILL a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think speaks to my loyalty AND sense of humor. I can't wait to pick up the pace with travel again some day... you know, when we're done being ruled by tiny fists. Welcome to my blog.
Amen!
And can we stop implying that you are only a family when you have children? Plenty of childless couples consider themselves a family.
YES, Kylee. Thank you for pointing that out. That’s another one that is absolutely worth mentioning. I couldn’t go through ALL of the family configurations in my post, but YES. This is such an important one.
Of course, not to take away from your blog about your own experience. I’ve just seen a lot of commentary about family life and almost no one even acknowledges that family life begins long before kids, and continues to exist once they’re on their own. Which might explain a lot of marital issues for people.
Thank you! :)
I was a single mom of 1 daughter, and was very happy, we had a perfect family in our eyes, which is the only thing that matters! Then I married my husband who had 2 girls as well! I think we are even more perfect! :)
I was literally thinking about this a few hours ago. We recently found out that some friends are having a boy (they already have a girl). My mom made a comment about them having “the perfect little family.” It really annoyed me because it kind of implied that we will not have the perfect little family if we don’t have a girl next. Of course she will love any child we have but it just felt like unnecessary pressure for something that we have no control over.
I’m not sure this fits into the conversation but I also cringe a little when a second or third or fourth or whatever child is born and they say “now our family is complete.” I get the idea that perhaps a couple wanted 2,3,4 or however many kids and now they are done and therefore “complete” but what if they wouldn’t have been able to have more than one child? Would their family be incomplete? Would they never feel like a true family unit with one child?
I also agree with Kylee. Before we had our daughter this year (and after 4 years of TTC), I ALWAYS considered me and my husband to be a family. We had each other, we shared a home, etc. We are a family.
Hmm. I don’t know, Michelle. My rant is really aimed at society for “deciding” when a family is complete (or, perfect). I see where you’re coming from—and it’s definitely got me thinking!—but I feel like “our family is complete” is expression of a feeling. Like, I always felt that I would want more than one baby. My family wasn’t complete after Nora because I wanted another. But once Vivienne came, I definitely had the feeling like, “Okay. She has filled the void. We can be complete.” If circumstances had been such that a second child never came to be? I think I would have mourned the loss of a dream, but ultimately, of course I would be thankful for what I already had. I think people make plans for their lives all of the time and sometimes they work out—they’re “complete”—and sometimes we are taken down a different path, but still find happiness. Thanks for posing that question, though! It definitely got me thinking about the differences.
Yes!!! Thank you for writing this. My husband and I have decided that one child is perfect for us. We have the most amazing little boy and we love our little family. You wouldn’t believe the things people say to us (What if he dies? He’s going to be alone when you die. Don’t you feel guilty?). I know first hand that siblings don’t guarantee a friend. My son will be just fine… He will make lots of friends and know love from all sources.
My husband and I have had to do IVF to build our family. Both of my children are frozen embryos and we have one left. We had a daughter first, and when people who asked found out that we were having a boy second, I got so many, “Oh perfect, you’re done” comments. Rude! My last snowbaby is just as much my child as my two here now and to assume that we were finished having children because we have one girl and one boy really got underneath my skin.
Wonderful post. Thank you :)
I am the recipient of that comment quite often and it drives me nuts. Usually I do say something to the person making the comment, like, well every family is perfect. Just so hopefully they know how dumb they sound. I come from an “imperfect” family of 2 girls, and think it was pretty awesome :)
I totally agree Heather! Thanks for saying it!
This is fantastic. I did IVF and concieved my twin boys. Once in a while I hear “man, if you had a girl and a boy you really could have been done.” That is assanine. What if I don’t want a girl? What if I only wanted two kids no matter what gender they are? I personally love that my boys have a same gender sibling. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Absolutely! We are one and done, so happy with our little family of three, but you would not believe how quickly after my daughter was born we started getting questions about number 2! People think we are nuts when we say we don’t want more. Whatever works for your family is the perfect family.
So true. We have 3 girls. When the 3rd came along the reaction was either:
1) You’re done now, right? Because 3 kids is too many and any more would just be unthinkable.
OR
2) Are you going to try for a boy? The next one will be a boy. My aunt’s best friend’s cousin had three girls but then had a boy. The freaking pediatrician in the hospital after she was born was encouraging us to try for a boy (he was apparently the youngest of 7 kids and was the long awaited and only boy-he must have been a spoiled little prince).
Girls rock! But oh, holy hell, the drama!
I also have two girls, who are two years apart. I don’t what it would have been like if one of them was a boy, but for us I think it is “perfect” that we have two girls, who play with the same toys, have similar interests, and play well together. It also has saved us a lot of money on clothes since my younger daughter has been able to wear all of her sister’s hand me downs.
People frequently have asked me when I am going to try for a boy. We want more children, but I really don’t have a burning desire for a boy, just another healthy baby. And if you ask my husband about having a son, he will say that he likes having girls.
In the end each child is a blessing, girl or boy, and “perfect” is a myth we create to give ourselves something to achieve.
I LOVE this post! Thank you so much for sharing it.
[…] so I’m just putting it out there. See my post from over a year ago on my feelings on “the perfect family.” At my first OB appointment at nine weeks, my OB gently inquired, “Are you guys really […]