Well, Monday sucked. There was no question that it would though, was there?
Nora, my perfect little sleeper, decided to throw a wrench in things on Sunday night and was wide awake between 3-5 a.m. Of course she would choose the night before I have to go back to work to do that, right? She must’ve known something was going on, the little stinker. Then the time came to get up and get it over with, and I cried all the way to daycare, dropped her off, then cried all the way to work. The waterworks continued a few times at work, too, but overall, I wasn’t as big of a mess as I thought I’d be.
My coworkers kept me pretty busy and plus, I have to admit I felt a certain level of liberation. I’d find myself thinking, “Wow! I can pee by myself!” and “Nice! It doesn’t take me three hours to write a simple e-mail!” But I did miss my girl like crazy.
On Tuesday and today, things were easier. Drop-off hasn’t been nearly as painful, and I’ve only called our sitter once per day instead of the three times I called her on Monday. The only thing that has really been bothering me is the lack of time with Nora. When we get her up (or she wakes up) in the morning, we only really have a half an hour or so before we have to leave the house, and of course, we’re running around doing everything we need to do to get out the door. Then, when I pick her up, we don’t get home until 5:30, and then we’ve had to start bedtime routine at 6:45. So it’s just NOT.ENOUGH.TIME. I miss her so much, and it’s only been three days. The weekend cannot come fast enough.
Daycare itself has been going pretty well, I think. The sitter reports that Nora is happy, alert, and drains her bottles. She apparently loves watching the other kids and observing everything around her. And the kids (all girls, coincidentally) LOVE having Nora around and dote on her. So it’s a good situation and I think it’ll be great for her long-term.
My only complaint? Nora is not napping.
When she was home with me, Nora would usually only go an hour to an hour and a half of awake time before she would need to take a nap. I would recognize her “tired signs” early, and could typically get her down for a nap without issue. Recently, naps had become pretty short–maybe 45 minutes to an hour–but she was taking them pretty frequently throughout the day so she was still spending a good amount of the daytime hours napping.
Now, at daycare, Nora is apparently only sleeping for a couple of hours total. Today, our sitter said that she slept for an hour and a half this morning, then an hour in the afternoon. When I picked her up, it was clear she was totally exhausted. On Monday and Tuesday, she fell asleep on the car ride home, but tonight she screamed. That should’ve been my first indication that things were going to be rough.
Last night, I initially got her down for bed around her normal time (7:30), but then she spent an hour and a half waking up every five minutes and fighting going back to sleep. It was aggravating, but once she was finally down (at 9:00), she was down.
Tonight, she was so clearly exhausted that I started bedtime early, and I had her in her bed by a little after 7:00. Two and a half hours later, we were still battling with her to get her to go to sleep and stay that way. It’s 10:00 now and it’s been a bit since we’ve heard from her, but I’m not entirely convinced that we won’t again. IT IS BRUTAL.
I think the issue is that with each passing day, she’s missing out on more sleep, never catching up on what she missed the day before. So she’s becoming more and more overtired as the week wears on. I did some quick Googling and found some advice that says to try to make up for their lack of naps at bedtime. In other words, I’m going to have to try to put her to bed as soon as we get home. :( That rips my heart out, because I feel like I already get so little time with her–now I have to put her to bed at 6:00??
I hope she will start to nap better at the sitter’s ASAP! The hard part is I feel like I have no control over the situation because I’m not the one who is with her during the day. *sigh* But hopefully this is just a period of adjustment, and this too shall pass.
In the meantime, I am really, really missing my girl.
Yesterday, life was all that you’ve ever known it to be.
Today, everything will change.
This morning, I will get you up earlier than you’re used to. I will feed you, get you dressed, and pack you into your car seat. You love car rides, so you won’t think anything of it. But then we’re going to pull up to a house that is pretty unfamiliar to you. I’m going to take you inside, hug and kiss you goodbye, and hand you over to a stranger. Finally, I will turn around and walk out, because I have to go to work, and for the first time in your little life, you won’t be able to come with me. And I will cry.
I’m not ready.
How is it that 12 weeks can go by so quickly? It seems like just yesterday, we were bringing you home from the hospital and this journey, our wonderful time together, was just beginning. I look back in awe, because I simply cannot believe that we’ve reached this point already. I feel like I don’t know where the time went; it feels like it somehow slipped away.
But then, I remember. The time: it was full. It was filled with snuggling, kisses, laughter, smiles, and hugs. Feedings and diaper changes, baths and naps. Sleeping in together. Books and songs and trips out of the house. It was filled with love. Me loving you, you loving me–24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I will always remember it as one of the greatest times of my life. It was a gift.
That wonderful time of just you and me, all day, every day–that was yesterday.
Today, different hands will hold you. A different voice will sing. You will nuzzle into a different neck to drift off for your nap. Different fingers will stroke your hair, and different palms will pat your back. You will eat from a bottle, and burp over a new shoulder. Someone else will have the privilege of enjoying your smiles.
I will have to share you. And as much as that makes sense–as much as it is good for us–it makes me cry to know what I will miss. That while I sit at my desk for 8.5 hours today, you will grow 8.5 hours older without me there to witness it. The part of your life during which I live every minute of it with you–it’s over, and…
I’m not ready.
For nine months, I carried you within my body, taking you with me wherever I went. We were connected in every way. You were mine–all mine. For the last 12 weeks, you have lived outside, on your own, but still so very attached to me in all of the ways that count. So, today–to leave you and go off on my own, while you go off on your own–it feels so very unnatural. You are a piece of me; you are my heart. And I am leaving you behind.
The transition: We will make it. Soon, this will be our new normal. Someday, it will not hurt as badly as it does now. We will do it, simply because we have to. But knowing where we will be does not make where we are any easier to deal with.
I’m just not ready.
But ready or not… it’s here.
“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you;
After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”
– Unknown
When we were at her house last weekend, my sister-in-law wanted to put Nora on the floor to “see what she [could] do.” Melissa is an occupational therapist, and is therefore very interested in motor skills and physical development.
To my surprise, when she put Nora on her stomach, she almost immediately flipped over from her stomach to her back. Nora was pretty pissed at the time and was kind of thrashing her head around a bit, so it seemed that she accidentally got a little momentum and rolled over. Still, it was exciting, because I didn’t even know she could do it.
Since then, I’ve tried a few times to get her to repeat her performance, but without success. This morning, we decided to try again, and take video just in case. And, well… see for yourself. :)
My little girl is growing up! :)
On Friday, we decided to take advantage of the lighter crowds at the mall during the day, and take Nora to meet Santa. We met Michael there during his lunch break, and it was perfect–very, very short line at the “North Pole.”
Nora was really excited to learn that the big man in red would bring her presents:
But was less than thrilled when she found out she had to sit in his lap to make “The Nice List”:
But, hey. At least she didn’t cry. SUCCESS!
On Wednesday, Nora and I dropped into my office to participate in the filming of my company’s video holiday card. We looked pretty festive, eh? :) I do believe that Nora was the star of the show!
About
I'm Heather. I'm 33 and have been married to Michael for seven years. Together, we have two beautiful little girls we love more than anything, and a miniature dachshund who drives us crazy. I'm a full-time working mom who has very little time for my own "stuff" these days, like home improvement, cooking/baking, cake decorating, and photography. Despite the team not making the playoffs since 1999, I'm STILL a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think speaks to my loyalty AND sense of humor. I can't wait to pick up the pace with travel again some day... you know, when we're done being ruled by tiny fists. Welcome to my blog.
