I feel like I am finally coming back up for air after all of the sorrow that has filled this week.
We returned from Montreal on Monday (we got the bad news during the drive back), and when I went into work on Tuesday morning, I immediately burst into tears and could not compose myself enough to do any actual work. My family’s loss weighed heavily on my mind and it was pretty much impossible to think of anything else.
Thankfully, I have really understanding coworkers and after I explained what had happened in my family, I was essentially told to go home and take the rest of the week off. Paid. Without it affecting any of my vacation and/or sick time. And the death isn’t even in immediate family! I think my company recognized that, given the circumstances, this was a bit more of a tragic situation than most.
God, there are so many reasons to love my new job. THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU to the people who run my company. I mean, seriously.
To help out our family, my mom and I ran some funeral-related (and some non-funeral-related) errands on Tuesday afternoon. Then we treated ourselves to pedicures to try to take our minds off of things. I spent Tuesday night designing and printing cards containing driving directions from the cemetery to my mom’s house (she volunteered to host the reception).
Even though I had been told to take time off, I felt bad not working at ALL this week, so I did go into work on Wednesday morning. I actually kept very busy, as I’ve had a lot to do. I left at noon, though, so that I could attend all of the calling hours with my family. The calling hours were hard, but aside from one short episode, I surprised myself in being able to hold it together throughout the afternoon and evening.
Clearly, I was saving myself for today.
The tears began as soon as the funeral mass did, and I sobbed throughout pretty much the entire freaking thing. The eulogy was given by some of the family members most affected by this person’s death, and it was beautiful and meaningful. Of course, because it was so beautiful and meaningful, it was also horribly sad, all at the same time.
Plus, the music. Is there anyone who can keep from sobbing during “Amazing Grace” or “Ave Maria” or “On Eagle’s Wings” at a funeral? Because I swear, as much as I love music, it adds a whole ‘nother dimension of emotion for me. I was already crying, and the songs–they just add insult to injury, don’t they? MAN, I was a mess.
But then… THEN! We went to the cemetery for the burial and it was a military service. I’ve never been to a military service before, but I knew it would be bad for me. And sure enough, when they played “TAPS,” I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such sadness. Then the whole flag folding business, and handing it to the deceased’s family? It’s so beautiful and poignant and an honor, but DEAR LORD, I AM A PREGNANT, SOBBING, CRYING MESS.
Anyway, I think you understand the point. The last few days have been hard. Today sucked.
It almost makes me feel guilty to pick myself up and move on, as I know it will not be as easy to do for other members of my family. They have a long journey of healing ahead of them, and now that the formal grieving is over, it’s hard to know what to do for them now. But I think we’re all looking forward to being able to look forward. I think everyone recognizes that even in the midst of this tragedy, there is much to be thankful for and be happy about.
Babies, for instance. We have three more precious new babies on the way in July, September, and January. Looking around and seeing all of the pregnant girls at the funeral really helped to symbolize that life, even in its darkest hours, does go on.
The sun will rise again.
I have posts to catch up on–I need to post about our fun (or lack thereof!) in Montreal, and I need to do my weekly pregnancy post/update. Hopefully I will be feeling up to it tomorrow. But not today.
When we were in the car, making our way back home yesterday, we received a devastating and unexpected phone call.
Sadly, we have lost a member of our family to suicide. This person was not immediate family, but very close family nonetheless. Honestly, because of the circumstances and out of respect for my family, I do not want to go into further detail.
The bottom line is that my family is in pain. Horrible, gut-wrenching, heart-aching pain. And although I have been deeply affected by this death, there are others who have been impacted so much more severely–and I am trying to be as much support as possible.
We are broken.
Thankfully, I have not experienced many “kinds” of death in my 27 years of life. Still, I think that aside from losing a child, suicide has got to be the worst way to lose someone. There is so much sorrow. There is so much anger. There are so many dark thoughts. There are so many questions that will never be answered.
A work friend of mine took her own life on May 6, 2003. It was the first time suicide had touched my life and I was completely thrown by it. I carried the pain and questions with me for months. Healing was definitely a process, and it was a long one. So, in a way, I’ve been through this before. But not like this. The death was not that close to me.
It is now.
I hurt, but I hurt mostly for the other members of my family. I ache for them, as they have spent these last few days in anguish. The hardest part is that I know the pain will never go away for them. It will change over time, but it will always be there. Their lives have been forever affected.
So I pray. I hug. And we cry.
We’re heading up to Montreal this weekend. We’ve had these plans for about a year now, as it has been our intent to participate in the Montreal Bike Festival.
Unfortunately, due to my “condition,” I won’t be able to participate, but that doesn’t mean I can’t go and enjoy exploring a new city. Michael and my mom will be doing the bike riding, and I’ll be doing the eating. And walking, and relaxing. I’m disappointed (thanks a lot, Baby!) to have to sit on the sidelines, but it’ll still be fun.
So… has anyone ever been to Montreal? Any recommendations?
I’ve been talking for weeks about how I can see and feel the baby kicking from the outside. It continues to fascinate me, and it probably always will. Every time I’m lying down and can spend some time watching the baby move around, I do.
It’s just so… weird. I guess I still don’t completely comprehend that there’s this little being in there. But when you can SEE it moving, it’s kind of hard to deny!
Anyway, the last few days, I’ve been trying to capture the baby’s activity on video, but haven’t had much success getting decent footage. Tonight, I was able to catch baby at a pretty active time, so… well, here you go.
First, I will warn you, there is *GASP* bare belly in the video, and although I am stretch-mark free (for now), it’s not exactly the most flattering angle! You just can’t see the movement in the same way when it’s through my shirt, so viewer discretion is advised. HA! So, seriously… if this isn’t your thing, skip playing the video.
For those of you who want to watch: when the belly first appears on screen, start looking just to the left of my cavernous belly button (I swear, I will be SHOCKED if my belly button pops out. SHOCKED)… you’ll see the babe start to move and after you see it once, you’ll likely be able to see it pretty easily moving forward. Just look for the protruding bumps and ripples. Oh, and enjoy the random techno music. It was pre-loaded on my computer as sample music, and I figured it was better than listening to TV and random background noise. :)
I can’t tell you why it has taken us so long to do this! We’ve always hated the faucet in our kitchen, but what do you know… nearly five years later, it was still there. Until today.
Michael tried to get a start on it this morning, but we quickly discovered that our hot water shut-off valve beneath the sink was faulty, as we’d turn on the faucet and the water would still come pouring out. Not good! Can things like this EVER be easy?
This afternoon, I took a few pictures of what we were dealing with under the sink, and we took a ride to Home Depot to track down a plumbing expert and ask some questions. Thankfully, we were lucky in that we had some extra pipe length at the valve, so we were able to simply cut off the old valve, and replace it with a new one that didn’t even require soldering–it just needed to be pushed onto the pipe. Awesome.
Once that was done, the biggest challenge was for Michael to get the old faucet out. The bolts are not the easiest things to access, but thankfully he had borrowed a special wrench from his dad that made the job just a bit easier. I’m not as limber as usual (the belly gets in the way!) so I wasn’t able to do too much to help under the sink. But once the old faucet was out, the new one went in after no time at all; it was actually a really simple project. I guess that’s why I can’t believe it took us this long to get around to tackling it!
OK, OK… now onto the before and after photos. :)
BEFORE:
Old, nasty faucet. It’s even begun leaking as of recently (which you can actually see in the photo). I’m pretty sure this is original to the house. It had seen better days, for sure.
AFTER:
TA-DA! Shiny new faucet! It has the pull-out sprayer, right from the faucet, and we replaced our old sprayer with the soap dispenser (which means we were able to get rid of our old one that took up space). I love it!
About
I'm Heather. I'm 33 and have been married to Michael for seven years. Together, we have two beautiful little girls we love more than anything, and a miniature dachshund who drives us crazy. I'm a full-time working mom who has very little time for my own "stuff" these days, like home improvement, cooking/baking, cake decorating, and photography. Despite the team not making the playoffs since 1999, I'm STILL a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think speaks to my loyalty AND sense of humor. I can't wait to pick up the pace with travel again some day... you know, when we're done being ruled by tiny fists. Welcome to my blog.
