What started off as a little “stranger danger” has seemingly escalated into full-blown separation anxiety. Well, at least at bedtime.
This week, Nora suddenly changed from being the type of baby we could put to bed wide awake, to the baby who’s head will shoot up as soon as it hits the mattress, and who will scream bloody murder as soon as we turn our backs to walk out of the nursery door. As soon as we go back in, she’s fine. As soon as we turn around to walk out again, screaming. Not just crying, SCREAMING.
You wouldn’t guess that this sweet little face could scream like that, but she can. It’s the “OH.MY.GOSH HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!” scream. It’s heartbreaking.
We’ve tried different methods every night. First, we tried to do “modified” cry-it-out, where we let her cry for a few minutes, go in, shush-pat, and then walk back out. Previous to this separation anxiety stuff, if we ever had a night where she cried (rare), this is what we would do, and we were very successful with it. Now? Not so much. Two hours later, I had gone in at least a dozen times (had even picked her up and tried to rock her to sleep, but she woke up as soon as she was back in her crib), and she was still awake and crying whenever we were not in the room. Michael ended up patting her back until she fell asleep, and at that point she was finally out for the night.
The second night, I couldn’t take anymore crying, so I stayed in there with her, patting/rubbing her back until she was sleeping. At one point, I was just sitting there, and that was apparently fine with her, too. Once she was out, I was able to sneak out of the room and all was fine.
Third night? She was really tired, so she actually went down really easily. But don’t you worry–she still made sure to lift her head up to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere before closing her eyes for the night.
Now, we are back to the SCREAM-YOUR-HEART-OUT fest. I’m sort of at a loss for what to do. I keep reading that the fear of separation is real, to not ignore it–and we don’t. We go in there and comfort her. But she doesn’t STAY comforted. And she really doesn’t care to be rocked to sleep. It happens every once in a while that she’ll fall dead asleep on me, but usually, she rests her head but she wriggles around like she wants to be put down so she can stretch out. It’s like she can’t get 100% comfortable. Patting her back to sleep doesn’t always work, either. A lot of times it’s a distraction and she keeps lifting her head to look at us.
*sigh*
I hope this phase is a short one! It’s just too sad. :(
5 Responses to Separation
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I'm Heather. I'm 33 and have been married to Michael for seven years. Together, we have two beautiful little girls we love more than anything, and a miniature dachshund who drives us crazy. I'm a full-time working mom who has very little time for my own "stuff" these days, like home improvement, cooking/baking, cake decorating, and photography. Despite the team not making the playoffs since 1999, I'm STILL a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think speaks to my loyalty AND sense of humor. I can't wait to pick up the pace with travel again some day... you know, when we're done being ruled by tiny fists. Welcome to my blog.
Have you tried putting her to bed a little earlier than you usually do? I’ve read this usually works when you get them down before they are hysterical. We haven’t come across this yet, but I’m dreading it! Good luck!
Have you read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Weissbluth? It has been an AMAZING help in understanding the development of sleep and getting my little 9-month old guy to sleep better.
Maybe you could help the rest of us and shed some light on some things you did to encourage Nora to be such a good sleeper? I know you run into some trouble here and there, but I’m sure you realize those few nights are nothing in comparison to what others, including myself, experience. My daugher, who is the same age as yours, doesn’t nap for longer than half hour increments, still wakes up to eat throughout the night, won’t go to bed drowsy but awake. We’ve tried The Baby Whisperer methods and those just bother her more so even despite being diligent and consistent with the methods. A post on some things you did would be extremely helpful!
ARRGHHHH, I just typed out a really long response to all of you and then it didn’t post. Sometimes, I really hate the internet.
Trying again…
Anonymous #1–This week, her best nights have actually been the nights we’ve put her to bed LATER than usual. It’s actually occurred to me that maybe we need to move back her bedtime, not move it up. It makes me wonder if the time change has anything to do with this, even though she was totally normal the first two nights after the time change. *shrug* It’s still a mystery, but we’re taking it one night at a time. Hopefully we’ll start seeing some kind of consistency again soon.
Anonymous #2–I did read (parts of) that book when Nora was teeny tiny, and then again at a few points when we were having challenges. I think what we’re dealing with is more a separation anxiety thing than an actual sleep issue, so I never thought to look there. I’ll have to pick it up and see what (if anything) it says. Thanks for the reminder!
Anonymous #3–Oh, believe me, even on our worst nights, I know how lucky we are. TRUST ME. I have heard horror stories. I wish I could give advice, but I don’t really feel qualified to do so! I don’t think we can put our finger on anything in particular that we did to make Nora a good sleeper. I think it’s at least partially in her nature. Some kids sleep; others don’t. With this post, I’m seeking help with the separation anxiety, not really sleep. I chose to focus on the problems we’re having at bedtime because they seem most consistent and severe, but I could’ve just as easily written about how there are times when she screams her head off because I dare to walk more than three feet away from her. :) She definitely shows signs of separation anxiety at other times, not just bedtime. With all that said, I guess I could try to put together a post about the progression of Nora’s sleep habits since birth, and the things we have done. I can’t necessarily say that any of them contributed to her good habits, though. But I will see what I can come up with–I guess even if there is one little thing that could help someone, it would be worth doing. I’m sorry you’re having trouble with your little one; I really am! I wish I could offer you a solution. :(
I stumbled onto your blog googling an ice cream cake recipe (thank you!) and read this post. I know that this is an old post, so my tips may not apply to you, but they may apply to others who come across this…
My son (who is 9 now) was exactly like your daughter. An absolute delight to put down for the night. Then, literally overnight at 10 months old, he lost it. Screaming to the point of being sick. I refused to take him out and rock him, and did not pat his back to lull him to sleep. I knew that his only issue was that he didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want him to grow accustomed to a habit that wasn’t healthy (for me, because I needed my me-time after 8pm, and for him because he needed to learn to self soothe). My solution was to lay on the floor beside his crib and put one hand through the rails. I didn’t grab for his hand or touch him. Sometimes he’d sit up and stare at me, but I turned my head away and pretended to be sleeping. I didn’t talk, sing – nothing. Sometimes he would grab or play with my hand, but I didn’t move a muscle. The first night went well. It took 30 minutes for him to fall asleep. He didn’t cry or scream. He goofed around and babbled for a bit. Second night he was asleep in 15 minutes. The third he lasted 5 minutes. On the fourth night, I moved myself away from the crib and laid on the floor by the door, with my back towards his crib. He fell asleep in 10 minutes. The fifth night I laid in the hallway where he could see me. On the sixth night, he fell asleep almost immediately.
What I did may seem silly to some, but it was my best option. He didn’t scream, and I didn’t feel like I was giving in to him, and standing my ground. I showed him that I was there for him, but refused to give in completely. The added bonus was that I was forced to relax and lay there and by the time I got up, I was a little recharged and ready to tackle prep for the following day. I think my son realized with me being there that he wasn’t alone and didn’t need me and just gave up.
Another bonus was that it got my husband into the routine of having some quality time with our 6 year old daughter. While I laid there, he read to her and put her down for the night. I tucked her in when I was done. Prior to this, we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off in a mad rush to get things done, with minimal communication and maximum frustration. I’m sure that a small part of our sleeping issues was the sensing of our stress build up as the late afternoon/evening went on, knowing that we weren’t going to be caught up on everything to make the next day run smoothly. Laying there put the evening into perspective. I laid on his floor prioritizing and promised myself to make some time at the end of the evening to sit and chat with my husband before bed.
I haven’t had an issue with my kids going to sleep ever since. Not once. Both have always gone to bed willingly. Never been a battle.