I’ve been struggling lately with balance.
I feel like I am juggling a bunch of different jobs, and not really doing any one of them particularly well. If I was in a position where I could focus solely on any one of them, I could do better. I could be better. Right?
It’s hard to be a full-time working mom. I know, without a doubt, that it’s also tremendously hard to be a full-time stay-at-home mom, too. In fact, staying home full time sounds so hard that it’s not something I’ve ever even wanted to do. Flame away. Seriously, though, I give stay-at-home moms major, major props. Kudos to all of you. I’m jealous at times, of course, but I also know my limitations and don’t think that I, personally, am cut out for it.
But the full-time working mom thing? Sometimes, I feel crippled by it.
Nora is going through a stage. She says she’s scared by a lot of things, even though she doesn’t seem to have a complete grasp on what it means to be scared.
“I’m scared to go to bed,” she says.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because,” she answers. “I don’t like bed.”
No real reason to be scared of going to bed. No tales of monsters under her bed or bad dreams in her head. But she insists she wants someone to sleep with her. She tells me irrational things like, “I want Vivienne to talk! It’s too long to wait for her to grow up!” She asks for drinks of water. She cries within minutes of us leaving the room, not settling down for the night until we go in and tuck her in for a second time.
At the end of the day, it’s all just a stalling tactic, right?
This past week, she’s been pulling the same type of thing at daycare drop-off. But in this case, she’s playing into my existing mom guilt, and I’m like putty in her hands.
It’s hard to leave your kids at daycare. (Sometimes. Sometimes, on mornings when irrational tantrums abound, when the whining is incessant, when being a good listener is JUST.NOT.HAPPENING? Goodbye, my darling, and I will see you at 5:00!) I feel guilty about working, even if I know that they are growing and thriving when they’re away from me. Even when I know how much fun Nora has with her friends there, and how much she idolizes the older girls. I know I’m not scarring them for life by being a working mom. But it’s still hard.
So when Nora cries huge tears and looks at me with sadness in her eyes and says, “Mommy, I don’t want you to go to work” in the sweetest, most pathetic voice ever? That shakes me to my core. And when I try to reassure her that I love her and I’ll be back for her soon, and attempt to back quietly out the door… she comes running, crying, pleading, “One more kiss, Mommy! I want lots of kisses! Please, Mommy, give me another kiss!” It’s crushing. It’s more than I can bear.
And I give her more kisses. I give her a hundred kisses. Because I have to.
Yesterday, it was the fourth or fifth day of this new “routine,” and I found myself driving to work after another horrible drop-off, beating myself up over it.
Why am I doing this?
Why is this so hard?
What can I do to change this?
Is it possible to go part time? No, it’s not really possible.
Should I just quit my job and stay home? Don’t be stupid. That’s not even what you want.
But it’s true that I miss them. I miss them when I’m away from them. Nora is one story, but Vivienne is another. With Vivienne, even when we are together, the quality time isn’t as easy to achieve. While Nora will talk my ear off and make me laugh while we’re getting ready, during the rides to and from daycare, during dinner, etc., quality time with Vivienne requires cuddling. Pausing to lie on the floor with her. To play peek-a-boo. To nuzzle my nose into her neck. And after work? Vivienne is cranky and generally begging to go to bed by about 6:30—a mere hour (or less) after we get home. And if she is my last baby—as I suspect she is—I just want to eat her up. I just want to savor every moment I can. And I do. But there are still a lot of “moments” happening while I’m at work.
Have I mentioned it’s hard?
I don’t even have any real answers. There’s no magic equation that would make everything better. I think that, to some extent, we all suffer from mom guilt. And for me, the full-time job thing is my Achilles heel. I already feel badly about it, so when we go through stages like this with Nora? Those feelings are multiplied.
I know that it’s about balance. Lately, I feel like I’ve been knocked off the beam.
I just have to get back on.
25 Responses to Balance
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About
I'm Heather. I'm 33 and have been married to Michael for seven years. Together, we have two beautiful little girls we love more than anything, and a miniature dachshund who drives us crazy. I'm a full-time working mom who has very little time for my own "stuff" these days, like home improvement, cooking/baking, cake decorating, and photography. Despite the team not making the playoffs since 1999, I'm STILL a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think speaks to my loyalty AND sense of humor. I can't wait to pick up the pace with travel again some day... you know, when we're done being ruled by tiny fists. Welcome to my blog.
Ohhhh Heather, I so understand. I hate ‘those’ nursery drop offs as well. I’m starting a new job when my second (and last) baby will be 13 weeks old, on 7 April, and the guilt is already killing me. Being a full time Mom isn’t for me either and I don’t know if my new work would let me work part time. All I will say is that it is HARD. I remember guilt tripping my mum as a child/toddler about her going to work and her working hasn’t scarred me at all. Actually it’s more that I feel I am missing out as a mother. I do. And I hate that so much. You’re most certainly not alone.
I agree, Vanessa. It’s more about what I feel I am missing out on than it is about what they are missing. Because if I’m being honest, being at daycare is probably much more stimulating than it is to be at home with me all day!
I’m sorry you have to start a new job at 13 weeks postpartum—I know that is really early for you! Unfortunately, over here, that’s pretty standard (or we go back even sooner than that, wahhhhh!). You must be due very soon! Good luck!
My Dear!! You are not alone! The guilt that weighs are my heart sometimes can be hard to take. I know that being a SAHM is not my cards though so I try to take it with a grain of salt, not always the case. It blows me away how in sync Kira & Nora are sometimes. Kira has also started “Mama please pretty please don’t go to work” “Don’t leave me Mama” etc We’ve explained to her that we need to work to get the money for the food, her toys, the house etc. She seems to understand that most of the time. She has also started giving us a hard time going to bed. She had never given me a hard time until now. “Mama I don’t know how to go to bed” “Mama I’m not tired” “Mama you can sleep with me” “Mama I can sleep in the middle of you & Daddy” …the list goes on & on. I don’t know what happened to set this phase off but I’m hoping that like other things it too will pass.
You will find balance again. Having two children changes so many things. It will be a new balance. Trust me, I’ve been there. I spent many days crying to Dominic & my girlfriends about feeling so lost sometimes. For now just remember to breathe, leave the messes for tomorrow and just take each day as it comes. It took me quite a few months to find a new balance but things are much better now then they were a few months ago.
I hope you find something in here comforting & remember there’s nothing that you can’t handle, you’re a Mom :)
I’m glad to hear that this seems to be a “stage” that preschoolers go through, even though I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, too! The last two mornings have actually been better in terms of daycare drop-off, but she’s still using her stalling tactics at night. It’s not a BIG deal to have to go back in her room for another tuck-in (we keep it short and to the point), but I worry it’s a “gateway” to more serious bedtime problems. We shall see. I hope it passes. We tried to let her “cry it out” (for lack of a better way to describe it…since she’s THREE) one night, but that just resulted in her getting up out of bed and trying to open the door, so… not a good idea!
I feel like I could have written this myself a few months ago when our youngest was 6 months old. Our 3 year old started doing the exact same thing with day care drop off. He cried and begged me not to leave and it was the most terrible thing. I felt the same way about time with our little one, needing to actually snuggle and hold him which there never seemed to be enough time for. I struggled with it for a long time and ultimately went part-time at work. I wish it fixed all the problems, but our oldest still sometimes cries at drop off and I still feel like there is not enough time with the little one (plus the new financial stress to have in the back of my mind) . I think it lessens my mommy guilt a little though because I do have more time with them. It sucks no matter how you slice it. :(
The fact you feel that way means you are a GREAT mom and you are not alone. I hope you find your balance.
Thank you, Amy! I’m sorry that going part-time wasn’t a full “fix” for you, but at least you get the extra time with your kids, right? I don’t think you will regret it when you look back on this time some day. :)
I don’t know you at all, but I love reading your blog…we live in the same city though. I can totally relate, as I have a 3 year old and a 16 month old and I constantly feel out of balance and plenty of mom guilt. My 3 year old just came out of a long and frustrating bedtime strike, so I’m confident Nora’s will pass as well. Now he’s doing the exact same thing that she’s doing when I drop him off at preschool…he even cried this morning when his grandpa came to pick him up! Another phase, I suppose, but it is really hard on me like it is on you. This too shall pass!
Thanks for the reassurance! Nora actually did both daycare drop-off AND bedtime without issue today. I was shocked! It is so true that “this too shall pass!” :) I’m still working on my own balance, though…
I became a super young mom at 17 and during the past 13 years I’ve added 2 more children to the mix. I’ve worked part-time, full-time (and gone to school too) and stayed at home. I’ve had mom gilt in every single situation. I’m convinced it’s something that just goes with the territority… Like how we’ll worry about them whether they’re 3 or 30. :)
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Kristina! I know the grass is always greener, so it’s really interesting to hear from someone who has had it all ways and has discovered that it’s possible there is never going to be any “perfect” scenario.
OMG I am so sick of Moms whining about balance and how hard it is having kids. Stop popping them out!
I’m sorry that all you got out of this post is whining about balance and how hard it is to have kids. In reality, the reason I was “whining” is because of how much I love my kids. I want to be with them more often than I’m able to be. So “stop popping them out” doesn’t apply in this situation, but thanks for trying, I guess?
Are you a mom? Based on your response, I’m guessing not. But if I’m wrong, and you are, clearly you’re the perfect mother if you’ve never wrestled with balance. So, in that case, congratulations. It’s too bad we can’t all be like you.
I pray that you do not children because I’m sure you would set them up for failure by setting impossible standards/goals.
It is hard for any person to find a healthy balance between work life, social life,and family life (kids or no kids). It IS hard having kids. No one ever claimed it was easy. Parenting is not for everyone. Just because someone is “whining” (and I wouldn’t even call it that) about lack balance doesn’t mean that they are complaining about their children. In fact, I take it as they are vocalizing that every day they have to make a tough decision between their desire to want to stay with their children 24/7 and what is best for the family (financially, socially, educationally, etc). I think Heather’s post spoke from her heart and expressed the deep, undenying love she has for her children.
If you don’t like to her Mom’s “whining” then maybe you shouldn’t read mom blogs since the only thing they do is whine. Maybe you should start your own blog (or share it here if you already have one) so we can get a glimpse into your perfect little life. Maybe you can teach us all how to accomplish the balance that you have.
Ugh, so sorry you’re having a hard time lately! It is so so hard once kids know how to articulate what they want. I’m not sure if you read Julia’s blog (My Life In Transition) but she’s doing an AWESOME series about balance and how different moms make it work – http://julia-transition.blogspot.com/2014/01/moms-make-it-work-guest-blogging-series.html I might be the only full time working mom that’s posted so far, but I happen to know that tomorrow’s post is from a fellow FT working mom and there are many more to come!
I think I must be relatively unique, and perhaps a little too “unfeeling” about the mom guilt, but I just don’t feel it that much. I do get sad after a tough drop off, but thankfully they are rare. Annie has at times guilted us about going out on dates, or going to work – but I honestly treat that in the same way I would if she was crying because she didn’t get a piece of candy or something – we are all making choices that are the best for our family as a whole. I tell her very honestly that I love working, and I love being her mom – but that I need to do both of those things. I also internally laugh because I know she LOVES daycare and actually wouldn’t REALLY even want to stay at home with me all the time! It IS a lot harder to leave a baby though – I think that gets much, much easier after they are a little older.
Erin, I do read Julia’s blog! But I’m behind, and the only “Moms Make It Work” blog post I’ve read was actually yours. And I definitely admired your take on the “balance”!
“But I honestly treat that in the same way I would if she was crying because she didn’t get a piece of candy or something…” – Thanks for sharing this perspective! It’s an interesting way to look at it, and something I hadn’t thought of before. I mean, that’s the thing–I know Nora is not miserable at daycare. In the time that we’ve been dealing with the tough drop-offs, I’ve called Mary a few times an hour or so later only to find out that she stopped crying the minute I left. So it’s a show she’s putting on for me, and I know that, but man, it’s effective! :)
Heather. This is YOUR mother speaking. Having the mother guilts is a natural and not at all uncommon feeling. I too, had the guilts leaving you at daycare, or with what turned out to be totally inept babysitters. Don’t even get me started with my little six year old getting herself out to the school bus because I had to be to work before she left…. I am STILL guilt-ridden. I even have the “grandma guilts” now because I am away so much and not at home rocking my babies. Chalk it all up to having a heart. You my love are an amazing mother. I am proud of you every waking moment of every single day. All three of my kids turned out all right, didn’t they?
Most of all, my darlin’ keep on doing the best you know how and your little loves will get through each trying stage. I always used to say that there was something delightful about every age; that still rings true.
Love you with all my heart. Mom
Mom, stop! You’re making me cry! But thank you.
You have an awesome mom! That made me tear up.
But seriously, the mom guilt will never go away. 15+ months later I still have terrible mom guilt because I didn’t snuggle/cuddle my 2nd enough. He was a tough baby and didn’t really like to be snuggled. I feel like I missed out on such an important bonding opportunity by not snuggling more. But you know what, now that he is mobile and more vocal, he shows/says in his own way when he needs you. He really is a lover and has his own way of showing it. It all turned out ok.
My inlaws watch my children. Some days both the 15 month old and my 3 year old tug at my heart and make it so hard to leave. But you know what, nothing beats coming home after a long day of work, and them being SO excited that you are there to come pick them up and they wrap their little arms around your neck. The thought of the reunion is what gets me through the tough drop offs. Other days, it’s almost like they can’t wait for me to leave and push me out the door.
Remember, if you didn’t have mom guilt, then something isn’t right. Mom guilt is just a sign of how much we love our children.
I stay home. I stay home for me. I think kids thrive in all sorts of situations, but this is what I want. It isn’t perfect, because I too crave more balance…more time with adults, opportunity to use my brain and degree. But, ultimately I am willing to sacrifice that and the accompanying paycheck to be home with my boys. Not everyone can make it work financially, so I am very thankful we can swing this for a few years before the boys are in school.
All of that being said, if this is what you want, enjoy it. If it’s not, think of a change. New job with fewer responsibilities? Part time? Work from home a few days a week?
Good luck finding a sweet spot.
I chalk it up to “WINTER”. Sad, anxious, depressed, guilty. Being a working mom stinks bad, real bad, but I’m only extremely depressed about it in the winter. Lack of sunlight, fresh air, and time outside with the little ones. Hopefully come spring, we’ll both be feeling better about (My husband is forcing me to work full time and part time / work from home isn’t an option in my job. Not “enjoying it” but surviving it).
I remember the guilt :( My Son is 11 now and pretty self sufficient. I still feel guilty working full time, and that I worked full time when he was little. I also felt guilty that I didn’t think I could be a stay at home mom, ugh. It went by so fast. You are a wonderful mom Heather <3
Mom guilt is so hard. I work 6 months out of the year at home mostly, and then have 6 months off. I have guilt because our routine has to change every few months. Just when we get into a good groove, bam! It all goes to shit. Then there are days when I’m “off” and my kid is driving me nuts and I would really rather be in my office with adults not screaming for a “ucey cuppa (juice cup). All this to say…we all have different levels of mom guilt. You’re doing an amazing job raising those beautiful, loving girls…and hell, if you’re missing your baby girl, go pull her out of her crib and cuddle her while she sleeps!
I know. I really, really know. I’ve been on both sides of it – I worked full time until Ryan was 2-1/2 and I have been home with him now for almost a year. He’s a kid that didn’t do well in daycare, so being home with him really is best for him. (But that doesn’t mean I think it’s best for all kids … Trust me, I very much understand and appreciate why you work and why staying home is not for everyone. Many kids thrive in daycare. He just isn’t one of them.) Anyway, both roles are difficult, just in different ways. I remember the mom guilt I had when I worked full time… it’s an awful feeling. When it gets hard, try to remember what an amazing example you are setting for your girls. You are teaching them how to be independent. That they can be great moms and have great careers. It’s so valuable for them to watch how you balance life, even if you have missteps along the way. You are not perfect and you will have days when you’re a terrible employee but a good mom; days where you rock your work but miss bedtime. It’s ok. They know they are loved. Your employer knows you are an asset. Somehow, it all evens out.
P.S. Your girls keep getting more and more gorgeous!
I love all the comments and wonderful insights here… What a special community surrounds this blog. The understanding, compassion and empathy are really amazing.
I think it’s important to remember that not that long ago it was abnormal for a mother to go to work and leave her children in the care of someone else. Evolutionarily speaking, mothers have always taken care of their babies, usually with the help of their mothers and aunts and grandmothers, but they were still there with them. Not until WW2 did women really even work outside of the home for long full days of work. That was less than 100 years ago…we’re talking about feeling guilty for leaving our children and we wonder why we feel this way but it’s not “normal”. Yes, it’s becoming the new usual but it’s going to take a LOT longer, many many many more years before there will be any change in the human brain of a mother to no longer feel guilty for not being home with their kids, if that ever even happens.
Keeping on that same line of reasoning it would also make sense that our children aren’t manipulating us when they cry and ask us to stay home with them. It’s engrained in their little DNA, their lineage, their every little cell, to want to be with their mother. I think its important for us to accept that they really aren’t happy with the situation. It makes it easier when we find out that they “recovered” quickly after we leave, but they still want us. It’s just part of our human nature.
I work full time but I have the advantage of being able to work sometimes from home. If it weren’t for that I couldn’t do it, I hate leaving her when I do have to. I think we’re all doing the best that we can and I can tell from your blog over the last several years you love your babies so much. I wish I could be a stay at home mom, if we could do it financially I’d jump all over it. I’d still need adult time but it wouldn’t be the same you know?
We’re all hanging in there with you :-)