“Mommy, why do you have earrings?”
The question came while I was tucking Nora into bed at my dad’s last weekend. I hadn’t really considered how I would answer, so I kept it simple. “Because I like them,” I replied.
“I want earrings, too!” she said with a big smile on her face.
And suddenly it was upon us.
I had my ears pierced when I was 3 years old. My mom said I asked for them, so she took me—plain and simple. I always figured we would take a similar approach. Whenever I’d see this question or debate—on Facebook, on moms’ groups or whatever—I would always say, “We’re waiting until she asks for them.” I didn’t know if that would be when she was three, six, ten, or seventeen. I just thought we would cross that bridge when we came to it.
Now we’re there.
There’s an excited part of me that thinks, Perfect! She’s asked. Her 4th birthday is coming up soon. We can make it special. Let’s do it. But then another part of me is putting my foot on the brakes thinking, Wait! Really? Not yet! She’s only four.
I’ll begin this by saying that there is definitely not a “right” answer here, which is true for most issues in parenting. That’s what makes it so hard, right? They don’t come with a manual.
Personally, I chose not to pierce my daughters’ ears when they were babies because I didn’t see the need for it, and it was something permanent (and purely cosmetic) being done to their bodies—I felt like they should have a say in it. Hence my position about waiting until Nora asked. But now that she is asking, I’ve found myself reconsidering that line of thinking because, Hello! She’s only 4! Is she really capable of making a decision like that for herself at this age? But then again, in all seriousness, at what age are children actually capable of making a decision like that for themselves? Because there are teenage children who make some pretty stupid choices they go on to regret, so clearly even they can’t be trusted.
My boss’s daughter had her ears pierced this past spring, on her 8th birthday. Out of curiosity, I asked him at the time: “Why 8?” He shrugged his shoulders and laughed, “A few years ago, we just randomly determined she could get earrings when she was 8. It seemed like a good age to do it.” It was completely arbitrary, you guys.
So is that how this goes? Michael and I just have to pick a random age?
Is it now? Why not do it? Where’s the harm in it?
Or is it later? Why the wait? When is the “right” time?
This is a tough one. I thought I had it all figured out, but I don’t. I think a big part of my hesitation is just my struggling to come to terms with the fact that she’s actually old enough to ask for them. *sigh*
If you have a little girl… when did you pierce her ears, or when do you plan to? And, of even greater interest… how did you make your decision? What are your reasons for the timing you have chosen?
20 Responses to To Pierce or Not to Pierce
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About
I'm Heather. I'm 33 and have been married to Michael for seven years. Together, we have two beautiful little girls we love more than anything, and a miniature dachshund who drives us crazy. I'm a full-time working mom who has very little time for my own "stuff" these days, like home improvement, cooking/baking, cake decorating, and photography. Despite the team not making the playoffs since 1999, I'm STILL a Buffalo Bills fan, which I think speaks to my loyalty AND sense of humor. I can't wait to pick up the pace with travel again some day... you know, when we're done being ruled by tiny fists. Welcome to my blog.
Does she know it will hurt and what all it entails? I had a friend who told her daughters they could get them pierced when they were 10… then her 10 year old passed out during it! Most will say it’s not that bad. Another friend said she first said 7 was the age. When her daughter turned 6, she said “Mom, why 7?” And she didn’t really have an answer so they let her do it. I don’t know how we’ll handle this one yet either, but I think you just have to let her know exactly what to expect – the piercing, the care/maintenance – is she old enough to handle all that comes with it? I don’t think Carly is – I think she would cry and it would break my heart to see her hurting so we would have to make that decision for her. Keep us posted!
I definitely have to have the conversation with her about how it’s going to hurt. I haven’t gotten into the details with her about any of it yet since I’ve still been trying to figure out how to handle it! :) I honestly think she would be OK with earrings—she’s a pretty responsible, cautious, rule-following kid so I don’t think she would do anything to them that she shouldn’t. As far as the piercing itself, she might cry, but I’m not positive. She handled her vaccinations last fall without a single tear, so who knows. If we decide it’s something we’re open to her doing soon, I’ll definitely have to talk to her about it all in more detail. When she finds out it hurts, she might not want to do it anymore anyway!
Our DD is 3 also and hasn’t asked yet, but my husband I decided on wait until she’s making the transition between elementary and middle school, say 10 or 11, assuming she wants to. I agree there ‘s no right answer. FWIW, I read a Parents Magazine article that said at that age kids are finally ready to make some longer term decisions like that. I think we thought we want her to understand the pros and cons and take care of her ears herself, but we also wanted to be sensitive to the “peer pressure” stuff that goes along with middle school. In our case, 10 is earlier than I was allowed to get ears pierced. In fact my older sister snuck me over to the mall (at 13). I’d still have no earrings to this day if it were up to my parents. :)
Awww, Hannah, the part about your sister sneaking you over to the mall to get yours done made me sad! I want it to be a special mother-daughter thing and a memory she potentially has (I still have vague memories of having mine done at age 3!), so I’d hate to have her get to a point where she sneaked off to get it done without me! LOL.
I do not have a child yet – but i do know how it was done for me here in Malaysia. (Yes Heather, you have an avid reader all the way from Malaysia!)
For Indians, the event of “piercing” is a significant event, which is celebrated as a grand ceremony. Thus, at the age of 6, my ceremony was conducted.
From then on, it was difficult for me as a child as i would misplace my earrings (i used to switch them ALL the time) and often, the towel or my hair (i had shoulder length hair) would get caught in between. Thus, there are days i would take it out when i’m back from school (and mom would put it back on when she returns from work) and this caused the hole to cover up. I had to re-pierce about 6 times from then.
Finally, at the age of 10, i got it pierced for the last time and until today (23), it has stayed on. Yes, it took me quite a while to understand what being a “girl” meant.
So frankly speaking, little Nora is growing up quick (Yes Nora dearest, you are a big girl now) and IF she is capable of understanding that she must be “cautious” and that its “going to hurt” her (i.e. if something gets stuck / while at play school) and she still insist on getting it done – then by all means she should have it her way. Please let us know how it goes! :)
Hi Nithyaa! I love learning about the ways ear piercing “traditions” differ from culture to culture. Thanks for sharing your experience. Michael and I have to discuss what to do.
My daughter is turning 3 on Thursday and we’ve (I’ve) always told her when she is 5 she can have them pierced. I’m not sure why I chose 5 but now I’ve rolled it into the whole “going to school” thing. She barely had hair until she was 2 years old and everyone asked when I would do it (mostly so people would stop thinking she was a boy) and my response was always “when she is old enough to help take care of them”. She doesn’t ask anymore – in fact she will randomly say to me “when I am 5 I can have earrings”.
Also, by setting an age, I can tell her sister the same thing (she’s only 6 weeks so I have time). I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer…whatever is right for your family!
Cassie, that’s a good point about setting a precedent for Vivienne as well. I would guess she might ask for them at a younger age than Nora, since she’ll see that big sister has them. Hmmm. Definitely something to consider when making this decision.
I had both of my daughters’ ears when they were little babies. It just seemed less complicated that way. It didn’t bother them and now that they are 2 and 3 (4 in October) they hardly notice they are there and it isn’t a big deal to them.
I had my ears pierced when I was 3. My mom chose some pearls for me, and the lady told me that I had to be careful because if one fell out, I would need to have them re-done. I apparently took that to an extreme (since it was a struggle to convince me to just do the second ear I guess) and kept tightening the earrings until I had almost pushed the pearl through my lobe. They ended up infected and I let them close and had them redone when I was around 10. My mom never treated it as a “rite of passage” like some parents do, so it never seemed like a huge deal to me.
Personally, based on how my experience went, I think you have to do them very young (by 8-9 mos) or you should wait until closer to 7-8 years old, obviously based on your kid. I don’t think my almost 4 yr old has the self control not to play with them, or to help keep them clean, etc.
Ouch, Meagan! That’s definitely a deterrent to using a screw-back earring, I guess! The ones I’ve always had for ear piercings have just had a little notch on them to keep the backs on. It’s harder to get the backs off, so I don’t think Nora would be able to do it by herself (a good thing), and thankfully she wouldn’t be able to cause injury to herself by screwing it too tightly, either.
We just got my 6yo daughter’s ears pierced yesterday. She had been asking for a few weeks. I don’t think I’d worry too much about whether she’s old enough to make the decision that she wants them. It seems to me that it’s very unlikely that she would grow up and wish her ears weren’t pierced when almost all girls get them at some point. The big thing is that she understands that it will hurt a little when they do it and that she has to let you touch them and care for them twice a day even if they’re sore. How is she with letting you help take care of her boo boos? If she’s the type that screams and thrashes around you might want to hold off until she’s older. If you think she’s ready to be cooperative with the aftercare then it would probably be ok to do it. The other thing I would say is to have them do both ears simultaneously-you might have to make an appointment so there’s two piercers there. Even my 6yo, who was super excited and ready to be brave, tried to back out after the first ear. So I ended up pinning her down so they could do the 2nd ear. That didn’t feel like a very good thing to do but as soon as they did the 2nd one she was all smiles and ready for her treat. She’s very proud of herself and keeps telling me she feels “like a brand new person.” Aftercare has been no problem. So all in all I’m glad we let her get it done. Good luck with the decision!
Hi Katherine! These are all very good points. I guess I didn’t really consider this angle because I don’t think Nora would be too much of a problem. The piercing itself could go either way about whether or not she cries. But she’s actually really good about us caring for her injuries (she freaking loves Band-Aids!). She got a really bad burn from a sparkler over 4th of July weekend and she was such a champ! And if I told her that the cleaner was “medicine” for her ear lobes, she would probably EAT.THAT.UP. She loves when she has to be on medicine, or when I put essential oils on her. Crazy kid! :) But yes, I would definitely want to go somewhere that would do both ears at the same time—having to pin her down is not the experience I’m going for, for either of us! That’s so adorable about your daughter saying she’s a brand new person. I apparently made some pretty funny comments to my mom after having mine done, too!
We had my daughter’s pierced as a present for her 9th birthday, but I would have had them done sooner than that if I had been around (she and her brother are my adopted children) because honestly, if she ends up not liking them, she just doesn’t wear earrings. It’s not a huge deal either way. Be honest with her that it will hurt for a few minutes. Ours was done right after an eye appointment and honestly she flinched more getting the puffs of air in her eyes than when they pierced her ear. She just looked surprised for a second then shrugged and said “Okay, let’s do the other one.”
I’m glad your daughter handled it so well, Ally. And you’re right… it’s not a HUGE deal, but for some reason kind of feels like it. Thanks for giving me some perspective!
I had both my girls done when they were less than a year old…why you ask?…I was tired of people asking “boy or girl’..and they were in pink and because I wanted to…it adorned there cherub faces even more….
I got mine done when I was three or four. While I don’t have a daughter, I envision that I would wait until she asked AND was old enough to clean her ears, clean the earrings, etc. and able to do all of the self-care involved in the process at whatever age that might be.
I was around 4 when I had them done. However, I was a bad patient. I wouldn’t let my Mom clean them (probably b/c they were sore) and I remember her sitting on top of me pinning me down to do it. After awhile of dealing with this, she took them out and let the holes close up. Then I had them redone when I was older-not sure what age-maybe 8 or 9. Avery just turned 5 and has asked about them but as soon as I told her it hurt, she dropped the subject. However, Cassie said she wants them (at 2.5!)….definitely don’t trust her with them yet!
I was searching for my GF’s blog and came across your interesting post asking other moms when they had their daughter’s ears pierced. When I read the great responses, it reminded me of a situation with my 2 girls, one aged 4, and the other 13 mos. When our ODD wanted her ears pierced, we agreed because she asked like you did at 3 and that is perfectly reasonable. She did great except for a few tears as expected. A funny offshoot of Sandi getting her ears pierced occurred that I didn’t foresee.
Our oldest Sandi, wanted to know why her baby sister, Missy, aged 13 months couldn’t have earrings too. I tried to explain to her she wasn’t old enough.
Fast forward to their baby cousin’s visit! Their baby girl cousin, aged 6 months showed up for a visit with cute little gold balls in each ear! Again, Sandi wanted to know why their baby cousin had earrings and her baby sister didn’t.
I was still unsure about doing our toddler girl, but her sister wanted it done and soon dh was asking why I didn’t go ahead and have BOTH our 4 year old and 13 months old daughter’s ears pierced with matching earrings at the same time???? Looking back, I should have just done it then, but I hesitated little knowing I would soon be back to Piercing Pagoda before the month was out.
Thinking 13 months was way too young (mine were done at 3), I asked our pediatrician about having our toddler’s ears pierced. She said, well it have become more popular to pierce newborns, infants and little girls ears because newer ear piercing instruments were more safer than the old fashioned methods. When I asked her what she would do, I was surprised when she pulled a picture out of her pocket at her youngest daughter’s 1st Birthday party with cute little pearl earrings and her older sister, age 5, both with matching earrings. I admit they were cute!
I was still uncertain, but she gave me some suggestions for moms having their young daughter’s ears pierced. I put them away and thought I’d have a few years before I needed to head back to the mall. Dh and older sis were quiet on the subject. I was sure that I had made my mind up to wait till she was older.
Wrong. I started seeing other little girls including two in our church nursery and realized how cute our little toddler would look with cute earrings. I went home, took a pair of my stud earrings and held them up in front of her ears before the mirror. She smiled and I changed my mind. I couldn’t believe it took so long to realize what my 4 year and husband already knew.
I realize that you are still searching for when to do your 4 year old who WANTS them as she said, “…I want earrings, too! ….with a big smile on her face.” There is nothing wrong with her wanting to look pretty like mommy. However, if you decide to go ahead and get your 4 year old done, then I’d seriously consider going ahead and doing both girls. {romise they’ll look pretty and adorable with earrings…just like mommy!
Tips from our pediatrician available by e-mail for any moms need some extra advice.
Angie
angietune@hotmail.com
I only have boys, so hopefully won’t have to worry about this, but I got mine pierced when I was 3 because I asked for it. However by 12 I hated earrings, and haven’t worn them since (so in 17 years). My holes have not yet closed up, and sometimes still bleed….IF i had a girl, I would wait until she’s a bit older. I feel like at this age, they just want to be like mommy, which is great, but perhaps when they are a bit older they might realize they don’t actually want them…which isn’t the end of the world if they’ve had them pierced and then decide not to…. anyway… :)
Just my opinion–if you said you would let her make that choice, she did. I remember when you waited until she wanted to paint her nails until she asked. 4 may not seem big enough BUT Nora is my opinion knows what she is talking about. You said she will bring up things she did naughty way after it was over and the questions she asks are so intelligent. I think you should stick to it because she wants them and asked for them. You could also incorporate her cleaning them ;)